"I'm not a social drinker I'd say most of my drinking is work related"

This picture was included in a work related email. A work related email about wellness.  I know it's meant to be funny.  I understand the humor, but also for me the personal irony connected to it made it come at a perfect time in my reflections.  I am a social drinker, I drink when I'm at home with my family.  I drink when I'm at friend's houses. I drink camping, I drink at work (after hours when I'm "in-house" with my co-worker.) I drink with a large group of people when I am at a brewery. I enjoy the social aspect of drinking alcohol. That is starting to look like a downfall.  Why do I need to drink when I am with a large group of people.  I understand the social and historic reasons but why do I, ME, need to drink. This is what I have been reflecting on the past twoish weeks or so. I am examing my drinking daily.  I am doing that thing where you hold something that you haven't used in a while in your hand and say "does this give me pleasure"?  I have been doing that and I have been watching everyone else.  Waiting for the questions. Waiting for the "why aren't you drinking" questions. They are bound to come up but they are difficult questions to ask and to discuss.  I tried to have a conversation with someone about it and it just didn't go anywhere.  I am trying. 

"All is well. All is well indeed"

I emailed someone today to share with them what I am going through. I did it because they are someone who is also going through their own spiritual journey. They are doing their own searching and looking for their own path forward.  He responded with a small anecdote about a chat with his sister talking about how their mother was with them at that moment and "all is well."  

I know this ending my drinking is something I have to do and for some reason I have to do at THIS moment in my life. Something at THIS moment is trying to make everything well.  It could be many things, it could be MY father telling me "all is well." I sat with him this past weekend and meditated for a few min.  It was what was needed and gave me a good sense of being. 

Keeping my drinking habit in check...or can I?

I noticed a while back that I wrote about sobriety and tried it. I think it lasted a month, maybe less.  I think it was one of those "I have a time goal and I am so looking forward to that FIRST drink."  So it has been two weeks since my last drink. It was a yummy double IPA, I love a good craft beer, but sometimes I love it too much. I hold out for good beer and turn into a beer snob.  One beer turns into two, turns into three, turns into "one more" and it doesn't end until I'm running for a train, or getting a text asking when I'm coming home. Those Sunday Bloody Mary's are one and another and another and so forth.  I'm admitting I am having trouble with that whole "everything is good in moderation" thing.  I don't think I can do it for drinking and I am learning the hard way. While away for the week for work I didn't have to drive, I was pretty much told where I had to be during the day and some evenings but other than that it's "on your own." So on your own can mean "awesome where's my drink!"  Well those days turned from one yummy easy to drink 6 pack to 2 yummy easy to drink high alcohol content 6 packs. I just read that one IPA can contain up to 200 calories.  So let's say one six pack is 1200 calories, and add a second one.  2400 freaking extra calories in a day where I have been snacking, eating not wonderful food and having maybe a 30- 40 min walking workout.  That can't be good right?  NO! So I came home with a new sense of self, I need to detox this chunky temple. I need to stop drinking, I set a date for a little over a month from my last drink. This time though was different.  I felt like I need to do more, I may have to stop completely. Let me tell you, I have seen people close to me go into detox, I have seen people go through rehab for drinking, it wasn't fun at the time watching that. Now it's my turn. These two weeks have honestly been hard and eye opening to say the least. I survived fourth of July and all the booze that is a part of that. I survived camping without having a drink. I went to P-Town where alcohol is almost part of every event, people drinking in cafes, beer gardens and while not legally, on the beach. Even Tea Dance which is a booze fueled dance party which has its own super sweet high alcohol punch (although I didn't go to that THIS time because I had the kids.) There are more and more events with drinks and I am ready to go, ready to have a good time with out the drinks. I can do this, for me, for my body, for my family. A few things I've noticed since my last drink: better sleep and easier time getting up early (while I still enjoy staying in bed I don't feel that YUCK that you feel after drinking), more energy for exercise (and I have done some too,) less hungry all the time.  I have changed my eating habits as well, for the better.  I know I need to eat more veggies, so I am trying to trick myself into that.  I don't "hurt" as much.  I was given a painful body I think and I know part of it is my extra weight I am trying to lose, but I think not drinking is helping.

I have also been more aware of other people's drinking habits which has helped me with my decision. I noticed when people were drunk before or drinking too much, but know its even more so. I'm not ready to say something, but soon. When I heard my father-in-law was told to stop drinking because of his heart that also became a wake up call. While my heart is healthy, one day it won't be so until then I am sticking to this.

A friend of mine has a little blog he talks about going all in on something for it to work and that is what one of our mutual friend's did. He went all in on being a vegan.  While it surprised me his reasons seem similar to mine, our fathers dies too young. Mine was an alcoholic and hid his drinking from us although not that well. While I don't hide my drinking I have drunk to excess and I am sure have hurt people, yelled, said nasty things and was probably a super obnoxious person. I want to be around for my kids and grand kids one day. I don't want the thing that killed my father to kill me so I need to check myself.