So I was thinking about this for the last few days as I have been beginning to run again. I am all signed up for the NYC Marathon and I am running and I am realizing I am no athlete (as bad grammar as that is, and this is). Anyway I was thinking about this and I have never been an athlete. I ran around as a kid, I played tag, hide and seek, attempted cross country, soccer, and skiing in middle school, but to no avail, I was horrible. In cross country I was pretty much the slowest, in soccer, I never actually made the team...so I was the manager, but I attempted to work out with the team, but again it was only middle school, nothing big. I attempted skiing, this was okay, I did both downhill and cross country, but I think a part of me was scared of the speed at which you go down the hill, so I was slow, in Cross Country skiing...I didn't come in last and I loved it when people cheered me on, maybe because they had to, but maybe because I was part of the team, I still felt disconnected. When I was going into high school I went to the guy who was suppose to provide the equipment for fall training. When I went to get the dry land training skis he told me basically I couldn't be on the team because I hadn't been training all summer, now really how was I to know this??? I honestly think he didn't give a damn about me and I wasn't that great in middle school so why should I bother him with needed to try to be better, no I shouldn't. It really got to me and kind of made me give up on sports. You know when a person who has children your age tells you you aren't good enough for something and at the age of 14 it hits you, and stays with you. I have had those feelings other points of my life and I have been working on this for the last 16+ years, I have a) been struggling with the feelings of being told I can't do something and I just accept it, b) easily getting frustrated when the results I want don't happen, c)just giving up because I am happy with myself.
Some of these things I guess could be fine but you know what it isn't. I need to do more push more and be more. It took me a long time to realize who I was and what I was good at and what I wanted to be, well maybe I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up but that's for another post. Anyway I realized I will never be an athlete. I may be a champion but an athlete I am not. Again I may not win races persay, but I win in my own mind, when I beat a record that I have set for myself, I am a champion. Even if I didn't beat my times in my half marathons I finished them. I am a big guy, and as long as I keep running and keep up with the healthy eating (working on that one) I will stay at a weight that is good for me and if I loose weight that is a great side effect. At this point in my life I am not looking to break records, loose 60 pounds, or do anything incredible like slay a dragon. I want to live my life and go on with my life as normal as possible. I want to run a marathon, do my job and maybe just maybe run a half marathon in each state.
I guess I am just doing what I think is right, what I was taught was right and what I think is the best for me (a little selfish I know but still, you gotta be sometimes.)
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