So here I am sitting at my computer contemplating what I was about to do. Do I do it? Do I wait any longer and let the agony of self take over and eat away at my brain any longer? Is the stress worth the paycheck. The answer should have been yes because I have a family, I have bills, I have a house. I have the dream, two cars, two kids, an urbanish house, craft beer, and a career that up until the point a few months ago I thought was pretty kick ass. Things started changing, I was still enjoying the folks I would see, I was still enjoying standing in front of a group of people and throwing out random dad jokes. I mean I am a GOD DAMNED HILTON GOLD MEMBER! Isn't this what the dream entails? Going to NYC and working with some super cool folks, using your skills to help kids and adults who are lacking a voice. This was suppose to be fun, it was suppose to be meaningful work, but unfortunately I wasn't living to work. I was working to live.
So I had a bad review, I've had a bad couple weeks, I've had almost a bad year. I've been slowly suffering and some folks know but I can put on a good face. I put on my pants and go to work, I drop the kids off at school and sit in traffic, hoping for a good consult, hoping to find a new lead, hoping. That hope has been disappearing. When I started the job my glass was always full and sometimes over flowing with joy. The joy of knowing this kid could communicate and I just helped with that, but over the years it has taken a lot more to fill my glass. Lately most days and weeks my glass would barely have anything in it and I would say "I need to quit, I can't do this anymore, there is no joy left, people don't want to put in the work, they want it to be easy and done for them." Most days that was true. In the last few months I would take a short vacation with my family and dread going back to work. I would never say "WOW, I CAN NOT WAIT to see so and so." I would just hope and pray someone would cancel. That's how I felt. Now at 37 I sit here unemployed. At my computer with no direction. What's next?
One direction TEACH! Yes I want to teach, I want to go back and sit with those kids, play on the floor, be silly and get kicked and scratched and bit and watch tiny steps equal big leaps. I want to see a kid say his first word. I want to be a change in kids lives. Do you know how hard that is? You need to go to the website, fill in the questionnaire and and hit submit, and then what? Wait, you wait until nothing happens because your brilliant application on the applitrack website goes no where. A cyber dust bin or some administrators trash bin, why, WHO KNOWS! My last five years have taught me that the folks who are really passionate about teaching aren't there. The ones who have good grades are there. The ones who got to pass on through because they didn't struggle in school. The state gets to say WHO gets certified, understandable, BUT the hoops and loops and money to get there, the endless tests, the endless paperwork, for what, a piece of paper that says you can teach. So here I am sitting at my computer wondering where my piece of paper is, I had it, in Maine, but CT doesn't care for those who went through other states process, you need to go through THEIR process. So I will start at the bottom, be the paraprofessional, make the small hourly wage for doing some dirty work, IF someone will LOOK AT MY GOD DAMN RESUME. You have jobs posted, just tell me you're not hiring, FINE. So I'm frustrated. SOMEONE OUT THERE HIRE ME! For now I will be giving people a LYFT, keep a look out for the updates of the people who hire me...
